Labor Digging

The Ominous Way Men Sap Women’s Earning Potential, Time, Lifespan, and Happiness

I write a lot about my life experiences. Dating is a part of those experiences, and those experiences may… vary- to put it lightly. I have pretty high standards, learned through years of getting to know myself and what I need to be happy in any romantic connection. They are high standards, but they’re far from impossible ones.

In order for me to consider dating someone, the bare minimum requirements that they must have are:

• They must have their own consistent vehicle (I am not your Uber)

• They must have their own place of residence and not depend on relatives or romantic partners to have a place to live (no hobosexuals with failure to launch)

• If they’re a man and they have children, they must not have more than one who was born out of wedlock, they must not have any under the age of 10, and they must have 50% custody of all children (I don’t entertain those that are reproductively irresponsible)

• They must have consistent and steady income and gainful employment.

Yes. This is a lot, but not impossible. I know that this isnt impossible for one to have, because I have all of these things to offer, even as a single woman on a singular, average income.

However, as a Black woman, any time that I have any discussion of what I expect of a partner when it comes to financial security and bare minimums, I am accused of being a dreaded “gold digger”. Gold digger is a derogatory term that is used to describe a young woman who essentially uses men for their money while having little or nothing to offer in return.

Now only is this a preposterous thing to call me, especially since I am only requesting what I have to offer, it is especially preposterous when we consider the real drains on financial resources in cis het relationships- MEN.

In cis het relationships, especially modern ones where both the man and the woman works, there is a serious issue with labor division and it has real economic impacts on what women are able to earn.

First, what is a “labor digger”? Labor digger is a term that I coined to describe the inequitable expectations that are often carried by women in relationships with men. While men fear “gold diggers” regardless of whether or not they actually have or will ever have gold- the economic impacts of labor digging is very, very real.

Labor Digger (noun):

A person, almost exclusively a man in cis-het relationships, who benefits from the unpaid emotional, physical, and mental labor of a partner while offering little to no reciprocal support.

Rather than contributing equally to the relationship, a labor digger expects their partner to act as a maid, manager, therapist, or caregiver, while they provide minimal labor themselves.

Unlike a "gold digger," who is accused of extracting money or material resources, a labor digger quietly extracts time, energy, household labor, and emotional caretaking without compensation or acknowledgment — often at the expense of their partner’s well-being and earning potential.

Despite both partners clocking in hours at work, studies show that women, especially married women, still carry the bulk of domestic labor. And it is not just a little extra here and there. It is a full-on second shift.

Beware of Labor Diggers- YouTube Video.

According to research, married mothers actually perform more housework than single mothers.

A 2016 study published in *Demography* found that single mothers spend about **30% less time on housework** than married mothers, even after controlling for work hours and number of children (Gimenez-Nadal & Sevilla, 2016). Having a whole grown man in the house creates more work, not less.

It does not stop there.

• Single mothers report higher levels of happiness compared to married mothers (Journal of Family Issues, 2017).

• Single women without children out-earn married mothers across every demographic measured (American Community Survey, 2018).

• Single mothers have more autonomy over their time, leading to better life satisfaction overall.

In contrast, when a man is married, with or without children, he is HAPPIER, LIVES LONGER, and EARNS MORE than a single man. I refuse to be in a relationship that drains me… in ANY way.

Instead of partnerships being an equal merger of labor and resources, too often women find themselves running homes like full-time managers while still expected to contribute financially.

This is a phenomenon I call labor digging. Men in relationships benefit from the unpaid labor, both seen and unseen, that women provide while offering little to no reciprocal support. It is not gold digging to expect a man to be self-sufficient. It is not gold digging to ask for what you already give.

If anything, the ones doing the real digging are the men who expect to show up with the bare minimum and get not just a girlfriend, but a maid, a nanny, a personal assistant, and a therapist rolled into one. For free.

Relationships are supposed to be partnerships. Not unpaid internships.

When I outline my standards, it is not because I am entitled. It is because I refuse to be another woman doing it all, carrying it all, and getting crumbs in return.

If you need someone to build you, babysit you, or bankroll you, what you need is a social worker. Not a girlfriend.

And here is the thing. If it feels like a tall order to ask for a man who has basic stability, it says more about the dating pool than it does about me. I am not asking for a mansion, a Benz, or six figures. I am asking for a level of adulthood that I know firsthand is achievable, because I do it for myself.

Given all of this, and what is ACTUALLY expected of women in cis het relationships, the concept of a gold digger is incredibly ridiculous. Any woman in a cis het relationship, that works within the home, has ABSOLUTELY earned whatever her husband has to give, and at GREAT personal risk.

Anything less is not just a personal preference. It is an economic liability. It is economically parasitic. And I have no interest in dating liabilities.

Especially not as a Black woman.

Black women already face some of the harshest economic realities in America.

Despite having the highest educational attainment per capita among women in the United States (National Center for Education Statistics, 2019), Black women still earn significantly less than every other racial group. According to the National Women's Law Center (2023), Black women earn just **66 cents** for every dollar paid to non-Hispanic white men.

When you combine that with the extra unpaid labor expected inside relationships, the math stops mathing… REAL fast.

We cannot afford to carry dead weight. We cannot afford to spend years building up a man while falling further behind ourselves. We cannot afford to sign up for a second job at home after already fighting for every dollar and every ounce of recognition in the workplace.

For Black women, even moreso than other women, labor digging is not just disrespectful. It is financially devastating.

And while we are telling the truth, let's be clear about something else-

According to the Federal Reserve’s Survey of Consumer Finances (2019), Black men have the lowest median net worth among racial groups, with median wealth levels less than one-tenth of those held by white men.

The racial wealth gap is real. It is structural. And it means that when Black women seek partners, we are typically not stepping into relationships with generational wealth and family trust funds waiting in the wings, nor hoping for them. Most Black women are earnestly seeking partners to grow with.

The reality is that many Black men are fighting the same uphill battles we are. There is typically no gold mine to dig. What I am asking for is not luxury. It is basic adulthood, stability, and partnership.

Demanding that does not make me a “gold digger”.

It makes me a woman who knows her worth, and doesn’t think that it is fair for me to have 10 jobs, with 9 of them unpaid, while my partner only has one. We will work together- as a unit- in ALL things, or I will continue to do just fine on my own.

The only digging happening around here is me digging my heels in for what I deserve.

I am completely capable of and willing to do my part. I will only entertain men who are willing to do the same.

It is 2025. At humanity’s big ol’ age, the expectation should be that if we are both working outside of the home, we both work in it. And that if you work one shift outside of the home, that doesn’t release you from the second shift inside of it.

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Citations for Reference:

- Gimenez-Nadal, J.I., & Sevilla, A. (2016). The Time-Crunch Paradox. Demography.

- Sodermans, A.K., & Matthijs, K. (2017). Single Mothers' Well-Being. Journal of Family Issues.

- U.S. Census Bureau, American Community Survey (2018). Women's Earnings and Employment Patterns.

- National Center for Education Statistics (2019). Status and Trends in the Education of Racial and Ethnic Groups.

- National Women's Law Center (2023). The Wage Gap for Black Women.

- Federal Reserve, Survey of Consumer Finances (2019). Distribution of Wealth by Race and Ethnicity.