Date Better: Expectations, Standards, Boundaries, and Rules

The dating pool has piss in it, sis. Here’s how to limit your exposure and mitigate your risk if you decide to go for a dip in it anyway.

Dating is awful. Dating as a Black woman comes with its own unique challenges. I genuinely feel that no other demographic of women is pressured as much as Black women to settle for the absolute worst segments of masculinity. We’re not only expected to be happy about getting scraps but also to see the "privilege" of being chosen to "build" a man as some kind of reward.

It is absolutely exhausting being a Black woman in dating discourse if you have any common sense and refuse to sacrifice yourself for the concept of a man.

Why I Avoid Dating Discourse (But Still Participate)

I honestly try to stay away from dating conversations. Social media is oversaturated with relationship talk, and most of it- on both sides- promotes ideas about love and partnership that I find deeply unhealthy. But dating is still important. It’s something most people will do, and who someone chooses as a partner can have a profound impact on their life.

That’s why I think voices like mine are needed in these conversations- even if I get a grey coochie hair every time a man types “alone with cats” in my direction.

If You’re Ready to Give Up on Dating, I Get It

So. You’re dating. And you hate it. Everyone seems to lie, cheat, or waste your time. You’re about ready to give up on the idea of “your person” altogether. I get it. I really do. Unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid the feelings of disappointment, rejection, or frustration completely.

But there are ways to manage yourself that will help you be more successful—and avoid a lot of the unnecessary headache, heartache, and confusion.

The Four Principles to Guide Your Dating Life

I want you to familiarize yourself with four words:

• Expectations

• Standards

• Boundaries

• Rules

These are the guiding principles you’ll use on your dating journey. Let’s break each one down. And.. if you prefer to listen and learn, I’ve made you a nice YouTube video ;)

Expectations

This is your wishlist. When you imagine your ideal partner, who are they? Beyond physical attributes (and yes, physical attraction is important), what kind of person are you looking for? What are their values? What do you hope to have in common with them? What kind of lifestyle would your ideal partner have at this stage of life?

Think about what’s important to you. Reflect on previous experiences- what worked, what didn’t, what you’ve learned. If you don’t have all the answers yet, that’s okay. You will learn more with time and through experience. It’s completely valid to date in order to figure out what you actually need.

Standards

These are your bare minimums. Standards may evolve as you gain experience or move through different life stages. If your standards at 40 are the same as they were at 20, you likely missed a few key lessons or didn’t date much. With time, your standards should grow- not shrink.

I know this goes against popular narratives, especially the ones that paint aging women as undesirable spinsters who should be grateful for any attention. But those same men wank to MILF porn, so somebody’s lying.

Boundaries

These are often misunderstood. Boundaries are not about controlling others- they’re about regulating yourself. Boundaries are not “Don’t yell at me.” That’s a command. Boundaries sound more like, “I am not going to be yelled at. I will end this conversation.”

It’s about communicating your limits and what you will do if those limits are not respected. Boundaries are personal. They’re not about punishing someone else- they’re about protecting you.

Rules

These are mutual agreements. While boundaries are personal, rules are shared. They’re established between both people in the relationship. And the mutuality matters.

If the other person doesn't agree to a rule, it’s not a rule- it’s a demand. Lack of agreement may be a sign of incompatibility, or it might indicate the beginning of a manipulative or abusive dynamic. The goal here is healthy relationships, not power struggles or emotional dictatorship.

And no, this has nothing to do with kink. If you try to conflate that, I swear my coochie will sprout another grey hair.

How Expectations Can Transform

Expectations can evolve into standards, boundaries, or rules- depending on how important they are and how they show up in your relationships. After dating for some time and deciding to be more serious, it’s important to communicate your expectations to your partner.

If a communicated expectation is continuously unmet, it may be time to move on. If an expectation was never communicated at all, you may grow resentful- without ever knowing whether expressing your needs would have made a difference.

Let’s look at an example:

• Expectation: I really want a partner who values and prioritizes communication.

  • Standard: I will only continue seeing people who prioritize consistent communication.

  • Boundary: If someone does not stay in contact regularly, I will end the relationship.

  • Rule: My partner and I agree to check in with each other at least once a day, unless there’s an emergency.

Doing the Internal Work

This process requires real internal work: healing from past trauma, unlearning codependency, learning to love your own company, releasing the fear of being alone, and walking away from things that no longer serve you. But it’s possible. And when you apply these concepts and stick to them, you’ll feel more confident, more secure, and less distracted by connections that don’t deserve your energy.

Final Thoughts

The dating pool has piss in it, Sis. Protect your peace. Learn yourself. Hold your standards. Set your boundaries. And do not apologize for doing any of the above.